Monday, May 28, 2012

Facing My Fears, Ripping Off the Band-Aid and Finding My Muse

I know it's been a couple days since the birth of my blog and this is only my second post. But I'm okay with that. I'm trying hard not to sweat it and just let it happen organically so I don't get stressed out and give up on it. And I'm still excited and motivated to A) keep this blog going but more importantly to B) dive head-first back into my manuscript. Which is awesome. (Not so much the manuscript right now. It's not finished and it's rough but it is a good start and I'm still excited to work on it. The awesome part is the urgency to write again).

I have a love/hate relationship with writing. I love to talk about it. I love to imagine myself doing it. I love to read about it. I love to plan to do it (when, where, how...). I love it in theory. And sometimes I love it in execution. But sometimes I hate it. No, hate isn't the right word. Sometimes I dread it. Not because it makes me unhappy or that I think I'm a poor writer. But I'm insecure in my talent and I'm afraid to face it head on. I can talk about writing to my friends and family all I want. But until I actually put fingers to keyboard and produce something, there is nothing to judge and therefore nothing to fear. But to have a completed manuscript in hand, it's concrete. My talent in black and white for all the world to judge see. *shutter* (Okay, really Stephanie. This is post #2 of a blog that no other person on the planet even knows about and you still panicked and minimized the blogger window when you heard your husband coming down the hall...) Alright, so I've got some work to do. Like not being embarrassed to sit down at the computer to compose when others are home and can catch you in the act leading to questions like "whatcha doing?" and "whatcha working on?"

But despite the fear inducing panic that comes with the hope of one day living my dream of being a writer, I still can't imagine doing anything else. I still love to write. I still love to get lost in my own head and brainstorm new characters, new stories, new worlds. And I really do love sitting at the computer and letting life flow from my fingertips and getting lost in a story.  I am an insecure woman by nature, but this is my passion. Writing is in my blood. I will face my fear and put all I have into this.

Well, this post took a turn. I had set out to share how excited I am that my joy is still outweighing the fear. I wanted to share the story of how I blew WAY too much money on frivolous office supplies at Target the other day all in the name of writing and creativity.

No seriously. I blew a good $50 on pens and note cards and journals... One of my favorite indulgences is to go into Office Max/Office Depot and wander in new office supply bliss for hours. That is my Toys R Us. By the way, am I seriously the only one who thought the two companies were owned by the same parent company? Their names, their logos, everything is so similar. I always thought Office Max was more the personal office supply store and Office Depot was more commercial/big business. Apparently not... 

But more importantly, I wanted to share how many pages of said journal are filled already with various tidbits, ideas, quotes and topics for this blog. That's exciting. I've got a good 12 posts lined up already to keep this thing alive (which is far more than I could ever say for the myriad other blogs I've tried before). And best of all, I wanted to share that my muse is back. My main character and her story have been lodged in my brain all week. New ideas and story lines are percolating and I couldn't be more motivated to follow my passion despite the vulnerability that comes with that.

So there, I just did share all those things with you and set out to complete what was my original post. But I feel like I've also moved into post #3 territory which was to revolve around being brave, following through and actually sharing this with the world. But my little pep talk came earlier than expected and, I suppose, there's no time like the present. (And I may not feel this brave again the next time I sit down to write). So here goes nothing. I'm officially sharing my blog on Facebook. No more hiding behind anonymity and obscurity. I'm forcing myself into the spotlight. (Be gentle.) 

(Taken from here)

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